And we're back

According to the news we have had the longest streak of weather above ninety degrees since 1891. That's good to know. I thought it was hot out but now I know for sure. The guy back in 1891 must have felt the same way.

I have always found the Guinness Book of World Records to be a bit humorous. Someone actually spent significant brain power calculating how many people can fit inside a Wolkswagon. “World hunger? Just a minute. Now if someone wrapped their legs around the steering wheel two small children could fit in front of the driver’s seat and the world's shortest man could fit in the glove box." Genius.

I have no problem hearing about the tallest woman or the biggest newborn but can we draw the line there. Do we really need to know how many quarters fit inside the human mouth? It seems the world record ultimately goes to the person with the wildest imagination. I would like to know what these record breakers are trying to gain? Can you put 'worlds longest ear hair' in a resume? Hmm. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I know you have your doubts about my brain surgeon credentials since I have never been to college, but might I remind you again that I am the worlds fastest hot dog eater."

According the Guinness Book of World Records, Charles Osborne holds the title for the 'longest attack of hiccups'. Charles hiccuped for sixty-eight years before he died. That's what you call a slow killer. Hiccups are strange. They are the only human ailment you can have for which the cure is saying the alphabet backwards or drinking a glass of water upside down. I could be a doctor if that was all it took. "Lupus? No problem. I want you to go home, stand on your head and drink a Pepsi. If that doesn't work I'll put my gorilla mask on and scare your pants off."

I suppose that will do it for a month. Just joking. I'll be back in a week. Call Guinness now, it'll be a world record for sure.